The spring is shot through with threads of loss.
As I wander the neighborhood, tulips appear to be thinking
about how best to proceed. A fallen bird erases
any suggestions of rebirth. Even dandelions, in their drunken, clown-
ish swaying, suggest a vacillation between fates. The trunk
of the dying tree in my front yard, with its Braille cartography presents
signs I am not equipped to decode. Why does the world
produces such flares of beauty: crimson, fuchsia, lilac, hues that
imply a third plane of existence, one in which each thing
is itself a harmonious universe? Each star in heaven corresponds
to an idea a human once had about how our existence signifies
something; the theory that we don’t live without meaning. My voice
cracks and breaks as I try to name the gradations of the sunrise, the tone
of birdsong, the flowers that have appeared over night. I aspire to that
condition Buddhists value: harmony, cruelty balanced by justice.
Spring and children seem born to this condition. But I am a woman
now, hands empty, turned skyward, cupped for holding
water or plums, but somehow empty. Sometimes
I meditate on the meaning of nothingness; it implies presence
Or at the very least, the space left by an absence. The same river
can’t be stepped into twice, not by me, or you. What about the boat
that carries you away? Could that be said to travel the same river? Do fish
swim in the same water, the whole journey out to sea? If her
child swims away from her in the surf, can a mother said to be full
of absence? Can any one person understand the exact shape of her
sorrow? I knew a man who wanted to be a baker. He shaped bread
in the forms of planets, flowers, fish, anything he dreamed. What
can we say about his relationship to the real? The world now is as numinous
as breath, escaping just as I begin to grasp it. But it keeps on, continuing
with its coded messages, sending music out into the void. Evenings
I sit amongst the stars, numbering what I know: Son, fish, blackberry.
(this form is the Golden Shovel; end words taken from Meditation at Lagunitas by Robert Haas).
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